Friday, September 7, 2012

Three More Things 
About Hollywood
That Are Pissing Me Off
Friday Edition

I have a few more beefs to air. 

My first list just didn't cover everything, I'm afraid. 

So here are three more things going on in Hollywood that are bugging the shit out of me.

3. Using Green Screens Instead Of Friggin' Sets

Really, Hollywood? For Green Lantern, you had - what? - 200 million dollars to play with? And you couldn't build one damn set?

I throw up a little just looking at this

Why didn't your learn from the disaster that was Die Another Day

Suddenly, James Bond looks like he's in 
a movie that cost $30 to make

In 2002, Eon Productions took the great James Bond franchise and drove it straight into the ground with dodgey special effects. 

Well, we did get the Casino Royale reboot (a non-Eon production) out of the deal, so there is that.

A recent offender is Lockout - and it's nearly unwatchable. And the poster certainly doesn't do this terrible film any justice.

Chris Nolan uses practical effects and real sets as much as possible - and it works, big time. Batman's awesome rides are detailed here.

Swear to me!

There is a reason why his Batman franchise is so successful, and it's mainly because Nolan puts a lot of thought into making his films as real as possible.

On the other hand, Micheal Bay mixes practical effects and CGI quite well, so it can be done. A review of The Island and its practical special effects can be seen here.

Take a lesson from Sky Captain, Hollywood - and spend some cash on the sets rather than CGI. I saw that shit in the theater and I want my money back.

2. Tits, Bewbs, Sweater Monkeys

Quite frankly, there are certain actresses I really like - and I'd like to keep it on a 'friends' level.

Dear ladies in Hollywood...

I respect you, I love watching you light up the screen....and I don't want to see your boobs. 

Especially if I've been enjoying your acting since you were a little kid. I'm looking at you, Lindsay Lohan, you friggin' trainwreck.

The two most recent offenders are Kiera Knightly (A Dangerous Method) and Emily Browning. (Sleeping Beauty)

Holy hell girls! I watched you grow up on screen, please keep those puppies covered. You're making me feel like a perv.

Emily Browning 

I first discovered Browning in Ghost Ship when she was thirteen or so, and a year later she was in the wonderful Lemony Snicket. Very talented actress, too bad about Sucker Punch.

I first saw Knightly in Bend It Like Beckham - when she was fourteen, and two years later she was cast in Pirates of the Caribbean

So, come on, girls - you got fans who knew you as children - keep those tits covered up. Seriously, it's completely unnecessary  and a lot of people will lose respect for you over that crap.

Two offenders from the more distant past in this category are Halle Berry in Swordfish and Lena Headey in 300. Jeez, ladies, you didn't have to get naked. 

We'd still like you just as much. No, really we would.

And Swordfish still would have sucked balls, with or without Berry's absolutely perfect Winnebagos on display.

1. Fucking Reboots

First things first. We desperately needed a reboot like Chris Nolan's Batman trilogy. And rebooting the James Bond series every few years makes perfect sense.

But a Spiderman reboot just five years after Spiderman 3

I realize that Spiderman 3 nearly killed the franchise like Batman and Robin did back in 1997. Bat nipples...heh.

I also realize that there was litigation involved, and it was a now-or-never kind of a deal. 

And on top of all that, I am also willing to admit that The Amazing Spider-Man was pretty damn good. I rather liked it, in fact.

But is it necessary? 

In my opinion, the producers got friggin' lucky as hell when they cast Andrew Garfield in the lead. Garfield carries that movie. Period.

I don't think that luck is going to hold for Warner Brothers next year concerning Man of Steel

The Superman reboot will star Henry Cavill in the lead, and if you are wondering how that's going to work out - go read the reviews for The Cold Light of Day

An absolute bomb, and a good portion of the blame rests on Cavill's shoulders.

Does anyone remember what happened to Superman Returns after audiences got a look at the bland Brandon Routh and his dismal acting abilities?


To be fair, Superman Returns was mostly awful because of a terrible script. Since I don't know anything about the script for Man of Steel, I can't comment on that.

But Man of Steel does have something else dragging it down - potentially, at least. Zack Snyder.

A movie that is literally two hours of rape

Yep, the guy that gave us Sucker Punch.


To his credit, Snyder did give us 300, Dawn of the Dead and Watchmen

What was that? You didn't enjoy Watchmen

Hmm. Well, say what you like about Watchmen, but that extremely complicated script must have been a real bitch to adapt to the big screen.

Hopefully, Snyder can pull off something good again with Man of Steel.

Still, fucking reboots.

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