Friday, July 6, 2012

Friday Edition

Top Five Facts Of Hollywood 
That Are Starting To 
Piss Me Off

Recently I've noticed a few Hollywood trends that have become too irritating to ignore. 

These issues need to addressed, and dealt with....severely.

Top Five Things 
That Bug Me

5. Jackie Chan has gotten old

No, no, no. 

Jackie Chan recently announced that he's gotten too old to play in action movies. I find this very inconsiderate. What right does he have to age? It's not fair at all.

I want my Jackie Chan from Rumble In The Bronx back. Seriously.

The man has appeared in over 150 martial-arts and action films, often doing his own stunts, and I want him to stay the same...dammit. 

I first noticed him back in 1983, driving that little Japanese jet-car in Cannonball Run. Fun fact, the 'interview' he gives before embarking on the race with the Japanese news reporter was improvised....neither of them could understand each other.

Then, between 1985 and 1998, Jackie Chan pretty much invented the action-comedy genre, taking it to new levels with actors like Chris Tucker, Steven Coogan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Owen Wilson. 

He not only broke down barriers between China and the U.S., he stomped them into the ground with a funny line thrown in.

And now he has the nerve to get old on me? It's inconceivable.

4. Stick Shifts That Don't Belong In Our Universe

I really enjoy the Fast And Furious universe, even if it is completely ridiculous. Hell, I even liked Tokyo Drift, and that's saying something. 

But there is one itty bitty tiny thing that has been bugging the shit out of me. Below is a simple diagram. 

On the top, a normal car shifter. On the bottom, a shifter from Fast And Furious

2Fast, 2Furious and Tokyo Drift are by far the worst of these offenders.

Go back and watch this street race scene if you don't believe me. Each character shifts, during a rather short race, mind you - approximately two or three million times.

And here is actual photo of the shift knob in the awesome Nissan Skyline featured in Fast And Furious. You can clearly see why these cars are so much faster than normal street racers.

As you can see, the stunt drivers have access to much more than just gears during filming. They have cars with 'Speed Boost'. 

Oh, did you get in this article?

3. Automatic Weapons That Fire Endlessly

Above is the Russian-made AK-47. 

First produced in 1947, and since made in the millions, this gun is the choice of real bad guys across the globe. This gun is tough, cheap ($350), and a box of shells is 5 bucks. 

However, I truly do hate it when bad guys, as well as good guys, have endless supplies of ammunition in films. 

For one thing, a gun battle is a very dangerous place to be, and secondly - I don't think Hollywood realizes just how damned heavy spare ammo is.

A recent episode of Mythbusters put to the test just how fast an automatic weapon will empty its own clip.

I watch Kari Byron for the science

The Mythbuster guys put three guns up against the clock....and each weapon was empty in less than two seconds. Two. Seconds.

And unless you look like Stallone, you won't be carrying a bunch of extra ammo around. I can tell you from personal experience that the AK-47's full clip weighs just about the same as the gun itself.

Remember that next time you see a frail actress hefting around an automatic weapon.

So, in reality, movies and TV may make you think you look like this when you get your hands on an AK-47....

Unfortunately, you actually look like this.....

2. Physics Don't Seem To Apply

Normal physics don't seem to apply to regular human-based lifeforms in film these days.

I'm not talking about superheroes, mind you...just average joes that can really take a hit.

The three latest offenders, in my opinion, are Fast Five, Battleship and Iron Man.

Before you get upset, allow me to explain.

The crew members in Battleship get thrown around a dying ship in the first half of the movie....a ship with ragged holes blown in it - and a lot of sharp edges. 

Are they injured? No.

Hell, I can't even stub my toe without whining like a baby.

In Fast Five, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker jump from a speeding Corvette to a lake in a ravine - an easy 200 foot drop - and don't even bat an eye. 

Later, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel get into a fight where they knock down walls. Knock. Down. Walls.

We are talking about the kind of hits that put defensive linemen in a coma. Yet, they have no long term damage.

And last of all, something that has always bothered me. And don't get me wrong...I love Iron Man.

Do you remember the incredibly hard hits that Tony Stark took while wearing his Iron Man suit? Yeah? 

Well, it's still just a suit. 

Tony Stark is still just a flesh and blood man experiencing G-forces that would turn a regular human into soup.

A major hit in the Iron Man suit would still feel like this.....

Remember this: Going 60-to-0 in a car 
will kill you, airbags or not

1. Have Quirks? Then You Must Drive A Volvo

Does the script for that new romantic comedy or tech thriller call for a quirky guy or gal that smokes pot, has a family, or doesn't quite fit in with the rest of the world?

Give 'em a Volvo, and make sure it's a wagon.

To me this seems lazy, yet I see it time and time again. 

The hit show New Girl is actually pretty damn funny. Take a wild guess what zany Zooey Deschanel drives? Yep, a late 60's 145 wagon. 

Allison on Medium drives a 700-series wagon, while Wilson on House drives a new version. And don't forget Gus Fring on Breaking Bad.

The new movie Ted is even an offender, so this trend isn't slowing down a bit. The pothead in Cabin In The Woods? Volvo. Jeff Bridges in FearlessVolvo. 

Hell, even Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor.

Then there is Home For The Holidays, Exorcist, Beverly Hills Cop, Con Air, Ms. Doubtfire, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The get the idea. 

If Hollywood is accurate at portraying American life, then it seems that at least one in five Americans drives a Volvo wagon. 

Quite frankly, I don't think there are that many Volvos to go around. 

Let's do the math. One in five American drivers are nutjobs, according to Hollywood screenwriters. There are roughly 200 million drivers in America, so that's....40 million Volvos. 

Hmmm. The problem I see immediately is that yearly Volvo worldwide sales are about 450,000. 

That means that total production for the last 45 years - and if all of them are on the road, and they all somehow migrated to America (damn foreigners)....then there are roughly 20 million to go around. 

And that's only half needed by Hollywood.

Below: Catherine Keener and Steve 
Carell in 40-Year-Old Virgin

Below, the wonderful and versatile Amazon 122 wagon. The car of choice for Nick Cage's character in The Rock, and Michael J. Fox in Frightners, Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor, Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk The many, many others.

I am a long time Volvo owner, so I tend to notice these things perhaps more than others. So I suggest a drinking game for you and your friends. 

Flip through the shows one night and drink a beer every time a Volvo makes an appearance.

You'll be drunk before 11 o' clock. 

Yes, Hollywood truly does believe that every quirky or misunderstood character drives a Volvo.

Don't believe me? Look below....

Yep, even Edward Cullen drives a Volvo

Three more things about Hollywood 
that are pissing me off here

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