Friday, August 3, 2012

Total Recall

New Movie Release
I wish Rekall could erase this 
movie from my brain

First things first. Total Recall (2012) is not a horrible movie, but that doesn't mean it's a good movie. Sorry, my imagination does not stretch that far.

The new version wastes the talents of Bryan Cranston, as well as Bill Nighy - and it reminds me how much I miss the fun campiness of the 1990 version with Arnold and Sharon.

The 1990 Total Recall is the type of film that causes you to roll your eyes in guilty pleasure. Arnold Schwarzenegger at the top of his game. Sharon Stone without a bra.

Arnold pulling a GPS tracking device through his nose. Annoying robotic cabdrivers. Hokey Hollywood sets to depict Mars and its inevitable red-light district. Space hookers, yeah baby! The dumbass broken airlocks with eyeballs popping out of obvious mannequin heads. 

How cool is that?

The 1990 version of Total Recall is by no means a good movie....but it's loads of fun. The 2012 forgot the fun part.

And I know why.

On to the movie...

The storyline of the new Total Recall has changed a little bit. Doug Quaid, played Colin Farrell, is a disheartened factory worker that dreams of a more exciting life. But this version takes place on Earth, a planet that has been ravaged by chemical warfare.

You handsome man, you

Farrell decides to try out the Rekall program, which will rewire his brain with the experiences of a secret agent. But, surprise, surprise, he already is one.

Kate Beckinsale plays Lori, Farrell's wife. Together they get caught up in a web of intrigue that leads to countless chases across rooftops with tons of loud, hectic action that is actually quite pointless. More on that in a moment.

There has to be a bad guy, naturally, and this time it's Bryan Cranston playing the head of the United Federation of Britain - the evil Cohageen. Dum-dum-DUM.

And of course, there's a resistance movement, led by Bill Nighy and Jessica Biel. Nighy is completely wasted...I can't recall a single thing he said, and he's one of my favorite English actors.

Biel, is the long lost girlfriend of Farrell, which leads to a lot of unconvincing catfights between the ex-girlfriend and the wife. 

Yes, Total Recall is totally predictable.

But then, we saw this coming. Actually, we saw everything coming, because the entire flick is laid out right at the beginning. 

I am going to tell you something that you might not like here. Colin Farrell was not a wise casting choice. He's a good actor, but he's not a likable one. The term 'douche canoe' comes to mind almost instantly.

There is some good new, however. Buried underneath this unoriginal plot are some really great chase scenes - four of them, in fact - and truly spectacular set pieces. 

You can certainly see where the 200 million dollar budget went. I kinda wish they'd thrown the script writers a few extra bucks, though.

This is where I tell you how things went off the rails, and I aim to please. Len Wiseman directed Total Recall, and it shows big time. 

Not familiar with that name? Well, you should be. 

He made Underworld, Underworld: Revolution, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and Underworld: Awakenings. He met and married Kate Beckinsale while filming these....movies.

I hesitate to call any of the Underworld flicks an actual movie, because, yes, they are simply that bad. There is nothing redeemable, coherent or enjoyable about any of them. Hell, they aren't even good enough to go on my Top 10 Films Flops I Won't Review

That's bad. Shit, that's Eddie Murphy's Norbit bad.

And Wiseman has brought all of the glory of his irredeemable film-making to the screen with Total Recall. It's hard to believe that this is the same guy that directed the silly but fun Live Free or Die Hard.

I was looking forward to this remake mainly because of the new take on the science. The prospect sounded very interesting. Umm...not really worth it.

I left the theater wondering how the fuck I was gonna get that two hours back.

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