Saturday, July 21, 2012

Film Cemetery
Case Study #11
Top 10 Box Office Flops 
I Won't Review

There are quite a few movies 
that didn't make money, 
but are still very enjoyable

These ain't them

This is a list of movies that have no redeeming qualities. 


They are a waste of studio money, actor talents and movie-goer time.

And really, that's the worst sin...wasting my time. 

Film Cemetery is starting to become popular, and I wanted to explain that the bombs reviewed here have redeeming qualities that make them - at the very least - fun.

In 1998, the Roland Emmerich film Godzilla came out, and I loved it. 

People look back and make fun of that movie today, and I can understand why. But it never wasted my time, and has plenty of redeeming qualities.

The movies below aren't even worth renting, much less paying for a theater ticket. 

You have been warned....

10. I Am Number Four (2011)

Technically, this film made money overseas. 

I don't care. 

It was written by a known literary fraud - James Frey - and is obviously stealing bits from other successful franchises, such a Harry Potter

A complete waste of time.

9. Speed Racer (2008)

I can certainly appreciate the work that went into this green-screen stinker, but I find it completely unwatchable. 

Speed Racer lost 114 million dollars, and tainted the Wachowski brothers - who brought us the awesome Matrix.

8. Speed 2 (1997)

Take every single thing that was fun and satisfying about 1994's Speed, and utterly destroy it. This slow, dumb movie wastes the likable Sandra Bullock.

An obvious cash grab that in no way is redeemable. Plus, the hugely expensive cruiseship crash stunt was stupid.

7. Sahara (2005)

Let's get one thing straight. Matthew McConaughey can act, when he wants to that is - Lincoln Lawyer proved that.

In this waste of a movie, he's such a smug bastard, but McConaugnhey was the least of this film's problems. Try a 241 million dollar operating budget, with most of that expense never showing up on screen.

Sahara lost 144 million dollars and was sabotaged - rightfully so - by the creator, Clive Cussler.

6. The Avengers (1998)

Shallow, lifeless and horrible acting. 

Unwatchable. Nuff said.

5. Soldier (1998)

You know you're in trouble when the likable and talented star of a movie is only given 79 words of dialogue....and spends the length of this incredibly boring movie looking pissed off.

I have no earthly idea why Kurt Russell agreed to be in Soldier  - which lost 60 million dollars.

I went to see it for one was written by David Webb Peoples, who penned Unforgiven. I consider Unforgiven to be one of the top three best movies ever made.  

I have no idea what they were thinking here.                                                                                                                                                           
4. Money Train (1995)

Film-maker Joseph Reuben - along with Columbia Pictures - were obviously trying to cash in on the goodwill generated by White Men Can't Jump.

They failed miserably. 

An utterly lackluster film that completely wasted everyone's time.

3. Green Hornet (2011)

This movie was a major disappointment because I am such a monster Seth Rogen fan. 

Horribly miscast, a stupid plot and the worst sin of all - it completely wastes the immense talents of Christoph Waltz.

2. Red Planet (2000)

Red Planet looked good in the pre-release trailers, but it tanked to the tune of 89 million dollars. 

I like Carrie-Anne Moss and Val Kilmer. Unlike Kilmer's 1998 bomb, The Saint, there are no redeeming qualities in this film. 

And you just know things are going to go completely to shit whenever meth-head Tom Sizemore shows up. 

An utter waste of time.

1. Green Lantern (2011)

Like many people, I had high hopes for this murky, unwatchable disaster. Green Lantern lost 108 million dollars - and rightfully so.

But this movie's biggest sin, besides wasting our time? 

Ryan Reynolds is funny and likable - just like Chris Evans of Captain America

Green Lantern completely throws away his talent.


If you are wondering why John Travolta's Battlefield Earth (2000) or Will Smith's Wild Wild West (1999) didn't make this list...well, the reason is simple. 

Those movies were so bad they really can't be called a film. 

If you can think of a new term for truly horrible movies like Battlefield Earth or Wild Wild West, please write in and make a suggestion.

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