Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Five More Things 
That Shouldn't Go 
In Your Butt

Wednesday Edition
Really? 
We need to go over this again?


Earlier this week, the Huffington Post ran an article about a man that was severely injured...shooting firewworks out of his ass.

The Australian man 'suffered third-degree burns to his groin area' after putting fireworks in his butt and lighting them off.
Seriously? What did he think the outcome was going to be?

Senior Sergeant Garry Smith of the Darwin, Australia police department had this to say: "Apparently fireworks are not designed for that particular placement."


Umm...no shit. And this comes just weeks after a Michigan man blew his genitals off with fireworks. Number one in butt safety is nothing that explodes goes up your ass. I just assumed everyone knew that.

I am still amazed by Robert Casey, a Florida man that was pulled over by state troopers recently. 


Casey was whacking it off in his Jeep Cherokee....and had a toy gun stuck several inches up in his butt. You can see that post here.



I am a huge advocate for butt safety, and yet again, I have been asked about several items and if they are are safe for butt placement. 

It is my humble opinion that butts are an exit-only orfice. Yet I still need to address the most serious butt offenders. 

Here are the top five 
recent requests


5. Matthew McConaughey's Shoe Polish Kit


We all know that Matthew McConaughey is the world's best looking man and the finest actor to ever walk the earth. Unicorns cry rainbow tears at the sound of his name.

You handsome man, you

We also know that Matthew takes very, very good care of his shoes. His used Kiwi shoe polish kits come up for sale on eBay quite often, and fetch extremely good prices from his fans. 

However, that does not mean these items should go in your butt. 


The Tarrago creams, leather cleaners, mink oil and conditioners are not good for your ass cavity. Never put dangerous chemicals in your bottom.

So, if you wish to put something that belonged to Matthew McConaughey in your butt, choose something safer...like his toothbrush or hairbrush. I'm sure he'll be flattered.



Not the travel kit, either


Just to be clear, Matthew's travel shoe polish kit is not a safe alternative.



4. Artificial Limbs


Yes, the double-amputee South African runner Oscar Pistorius has many, many people excited ever since he qualified for the 2012 Olympics. 


And this is very good, because it raises awareness for handicapped people.



Unfortunately, it also has many people putting artificial limbs in their butt. 



This is not such a good thing.


So many have disappeared, in fact, that London police have issued alerts on the missing artificial limbs. It seems some of them may be Lo-Jacked. This is probably going to be embarrassing for the offenders.



For every artificial arm or leg you put in your ass, some poor person - already having suffered losing a limb - is now missing an appendage. 


Your anal pleasure is depriving a handicapped person of their limbs - and those things ain't cheap.



So, please...find another item to pleasure your bottom with. You're only hurting those that have already lost so much.


3. Saab Ursaab


This is a specialty item, like McConaughey's shoe polish kits. Not a lot of Saab Ursaab's were made back in the late 40s, but you can see their appeal of possible butt pleasure.


There are very sleek, and actually have a better drag coefficient than most modern supercars. This, however, is not a good reason to put them in your butt. 

The Ursaab is powered by a two-stroke motor considered unsafe for the environment by today's standards. And quite honestly, if it is unsafe for the environment, then it's most certainly unsafe for your butt. 

I realize that putting an Ursaab in your ass is a very appealing prospect...but don't do it. 

Just don't.



2. Back To The Future Action Figures


I want to be very clear right now. Crystal clear, in fact.


Do not put Doc Brown, Marty McFly or the time-traveling DeLorean in your butt. Period.


Sure, it sounds like a lot of fun, but these guys could accidently send your ass back in time.


That's right. Back. In. Time.


And then you'd be in serious trouble. Imagine causing a time paradox with your ass. Not only would that be humiliating, but you could face some serious jail time.



And under no circumstances should a Flux Capacitor be placed in your bottom. This is very dangerous, almost as dangerous as the evil-meaney Marty McFly shown below.

Evil version of Marty McFly


Seriously, I think this guy may want to take you to hell with him.




1. Bj├Ârk


Bjork is a famous Icelandic singer-songwriter, but I believe she may be the most dangerous thing on this list. 


As you can clearly see from her photos, she is not human. Not even a little bit.



Never, ever put Bjork up your butt. It may sound like fun - because, yes, it is fun just saying it - but I think this could lead to a really bad situation. And not just because her photo gives me the heebie-jeebies.



If Bjork isn't human, then what is she?


That's a very good question. Quit frankly, I think she might be a chest-burster, like from the movie AlienThat means if you get Bjork in your butt, she may not come out the way she went in.


That would be bad.


Imagine this....



Coming out like this...



Obviously, this puts Bjork at number one on this list for unsafe items to put in your butt.


Remember, butt safety starts with you...and a little common sense.

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