Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Top Five Things You 
Really Shouldn't 
Put In Your Butt

Special Fourth Of July Post!

And Now For Something 
Completely Different

A couple of days ago, this man was pulled over by a state trooper not too far from where I live...

Robert Casey was caught jerking off in his Jeep Cherokee in St. Lucie County, Florida...except that wasn't all the trooper noticed.

Take a look at the picture above.

Casey had his butt. The toy gun was tied to his genitals, apparently to keep the weapon firmly in place. And this isn't Mr. Casey's first attempt at elaborate self-pleasure, as he's been arrested several times in the past.

I don't think this was a very good idea, to be honest. 

Torture in the Middle Ages

In the Middle Ages, impalement was a particularly cruel type of torture used on conquered soldiers and criminals. 

The Irish perfected a technique that kept the victim alive for days as a carefully blunted pole was pushed by body weight through the rectum and out the mouth.

This would hurt. A. Lot.

So, for public safety, I thought I'd put together a short list of things that should not be in your butt.

Top Five Things Not 
Good For Your Ass

5. Transformers

Look, no matter what Michael Bay says, you shouldn't put Transformers up your ass. 

Not even Ratchet. 

I realize that he's a doctor, and could check out everything up there for you, but in the long run I think Ratchet would do more harm than good.

However, if you want to put this guy up your ass, go right ahead.

4. Miley Cyrus DVDs

Yes, we all watched this adorable girl grow up on the Disney Channel, and now that Miley has imploded into a wild-child, you may have a strong desire to put her CDs or DVDs up your butt. This is perfectly natural.

However, don't. Just don't.

Miley is a talented young lady, and her music, movies and TV shows will be cherished for decades. This isn't a good enough reason to put her DVDs in you butt. You may really want to, but don't.

So, to be perfectly clear, Miley Cyrus does not belong in your ass. 

3. Gerbils or Snakes

I am well aware that gerbil racing is a competitive sport in California, but for the rest of you....putting live animals in your butt is a bad idea.

For one thing, it really isn't sanitary. Animals may look clean, but they carry many diseases that aren't compatible with humans. 

Your hamster may get excited about the thought of a ride in your ass, but you should be firm and just say no.

Snakes are a different story, because they have been used for anal pleasure and torture for hundreds of years. But remember, the average snake's brain hasn't evolved much farther than an insect's. 

So, even though your snake may seem like he wants to go in your butt, he really doesn't know any better.

2. Toy Story Soldiers 

Again, another toy that shouldn't go in your ass - the army men from Bucket O' Soldiers.

The main problem with the Toy Story soldiers is that, although they are highly trained, accidents do happen.

A grenade could go off by mistake, or an RPG fired off in your ass would be a bad thing. Having the Toy Story soldiers in your butt could prove to very dangerous.

I am aware that putting Sarge and the entire Bucket O' Soldiers in your ass is a very appealing prospect, but don't do it.

1. Michael Bolton

Of the items on this list, I believe Michael Bolton would be the most dangerous thing to put in your bottom. 

I am often asked what are the unsafest items that should never go into a butt, and most people expect to hear drugs or knives. 

But I think Michael Bolton would be, by far, the worst thing you could put in your ass.


Simple, really. He would burrow up there and never leave.

Seriously, you do not want this guy in your bottom. Yes, Michael Bolton is probably the leading contemporary/easy listening singer in the world, but I don't think that's a good enough reason to have him rooting around in your ass. 

I mean, just look at him.

Number one in butt safety is to always be able to remove the item in your ass, and I think Michael Bolton would be the most difficult to extract. So, that's why he's at the top of this list.

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Anonymous said...

That's Kenny G

Anonymous said...

lol jalopnik brought me here