Saturday, July 7, 2012


New Movie Release

A bunch of really good jokes...

...that would have been great
 for an episode of Family Guy

I think the statement above really says it all. 

I watched Ted yesterday, and I did laugh quite a bit. But as I watched, the same question kept popping into my head.....a feature length film? 

Really? And, worse yet, one that completely wastes Mila Kunis?

Umm, no.

You handsome man, you

I realize this movie has made quite a bit of money in the last week, and I can see why. 

You've got Mark Wahlberg hamming it up as John Bennett....a 35-year-old slacker that smokes pot with a potty-mouth teddy bear voiced by Seth MacFarlane. 

You've got Joel McHale as an uber-slimy boss of Mila Kunis's character, Lori Collins....long-suffering girlfriend of Wahlberg.

Pretty good combo package lined up there, one would think. And the first half of the movie does indeed work - if you are willing to suspend belief about a teddy bear that smokes pot and cusses like a sailor.

Seth MacFarlane, however, chose to use his Peter Griffin voice for Ted, which annoyed me. 

And why was a talking bear necessary? Why not a childhood friend?

If we are being honest and open here, I hated Wahlberg's Max Payne, but he won me back over with The Other Guys. So I'm going to cut him some slack.

But Mila? She's one of Hollywood's funniest actresses. And in Ted, her part could have been played by anyone, because all she does is react to what is going on around her.

Half way through the film I was actually quite tired. Of the overused jokes, of the Flash Gordon references, and of a movie that frankly had nowhere to go. 

I wasn't emotionally invested at all. The whole thing - from the voice of Patrick Stewart, to the underused Patrick Warburton - could have easily been compressed into a Family Guy episode.

And something else bothered me as well....

Wahlberg and Ted have this strange fascination for Flash Gordon, because they grew up with him, and that's fine. The bits with Sam Jones were funny, but a bit overdone. As was the use of the soundtrack from Flash Gordon, by Queen.

But hang on a second....Wahlberg is supposed to be 35-years-old, right? 

Flash is from my generation. I loved Flash, and I was 14 when it came out. Wahlberg's character would have been 4.


And, by the real life, Sam Jones is a dick. 

After the filming of Flash Gordon was finished, Jones wouldn't even return to the studio for dubbing, so most of his voice in the movie is someone else. There is a reason why nobody ever saw him again after Flash, he's a douche canoe.

Plus the fact that the great Freddie Mercury - the lead singer of Queen - had probably already contracted AIDS, and was on a downward spiral towards death....

Well, thanks a whole lot, MacFarlane, for dredging up a bunch of childhood memories that were better left buried.

Ted is pretty decent escapism if you already love these actors and actresses. If not, well....good luck with that.

What did you 
think of Ted?

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