Sunday Edition

Top Three Horrifying Facts 

About Dane Cook

Dane Cook

To learn more about 

Dane Cook,I looked up 

asshole on Wiki, 

and it said: 'See him'

"Dane Cook is funny to a normal 

person in the the same way an 

atomic bomb is funny to Nagasaki"

- Me, I just made that shit up

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In 1987 a very funny movie was released, Good Morning, Vietnam. 

It starred Robin Williams as Airman Adrian Cronauer - a radio DJ working in-country, and the late Bruno Kirby as Lieutenant Steven Hauk. 

Bruno portrays a wannabe comedienne who is brutally unaware of just how deeply unfunny he is.

The film was a huge success. The characters, though, were hard hitting in how they mimicked the kind of people we meet in real life. 

Bruno Kirby's character, Lieutenant Hauk, was probably the scariest, because we've all met someone like him.

Robin Williams as 'Cronauer'

And Lieutenant Hauk is who I want to concentrate on. 

But, of course, you probably already guessed that.

Bruno Kirby as 'Hauk'

Lieutenant Steven Hauk: Comedy is kind of a hobby of mine. Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby, Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes. 

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The reason for this character reference is rather simple. 

We have a comic and film actor working today that believes he is funny in much the same way Lieutenant Hauk does. Dane Cook.

I think that Cook, in his heart of hearts, truly believes that he's funny.

And nothing could be farther from the truth.

But there is another problem, as well. One we will get to in a moment....

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You handsome man, you

Top Three Horrible Things 

About Dane Cook

3. He is horribly unfunny and uninteresting

I have a deep respect for intelligent comediennes like Demetri Martin, the late George Carlin and Steven Wright. 

I like laughing while being made to think at the same time. This ability and technique is how most comics earn a name for themselves. It is a wonderful gift, one that 99.9% of the population does not have.

Demetri Martin: "Any toy can be a 

sex toy. Location, location, location."

This is a serious drawback for Dane Cook, because here is nothing intelligent in Cook's routines, yet I suspect he's an intelligent man.

His act does not have any depth or real material, and it also exhibits a horrifyingly inflated ego. 

He doesn't speak to the audience, he lectures...and the lectures are worded in such a way that it seems he's been invited to speak at a kindergarten class. This is bad.

Some may argue that his comedy is different because he relies on 'long-form story-telling'. Okay, fine.

But you see, Russell Brand does the same type of off-the-cuff long-form story-telling in his act...except for two crucial factors. His stories are funny- and they eventually have a point.

When a person conveys a story to an audience, the story - as well as the way its told - needs to be engaging and have a plot of sorts. That's what a story is....book, movie, stand-up, it doesn't matter. There should be an interesting beginning, middle and end.

Not so with Cook.

Cook gives off the vibe of a man who, in his younger days, was always the center of attention no matter where he was. 

Dane Cook

And anything that came out of his mouth was deemed hilarious by his drunk buddies and the women that wanted his gentleman sausage.

That doesn't work in front of a crowd of people that don't know you. 

Sorry, it just doesn't.

2. He Gave Us Good Luck, Chuck

Seriously, this movie is a crime against humanity. There is absolutely nothing funny or redeeming about it. 

Nothing. .

Two years earlier, Steve Carell starred in the 40-Year-Old Virgin. 

On paper, the two films probably look very much alike. A comedy with gross-out humor, potty languge and a plot about a sweet man trying to find his one true love.

The difference between Good Luck, Chuck and 40-Year-Old Virgin is light years apart, though. 

Carell does indeed comes off as a genuinely nice but lonely man that just desires a good woman in his life.

Cook comes off as a selfish douche, period. Not the greatest asset in a leading man. Which may explain why he hasn't been a leading man since.

The movie has an approval rating on par with last year's Jack And Jill, hovering right at 5%. In case you aren't aware, that's a career-killing rating. Anything below 40% is considered extremely bad.

And yes, I saw the movie, unfortunately. 

Like the Holocaust or a child's murder, there are certain things you simply can't un-see, and this movie is one of them.

Concerning Jessica Alba's involvement with Good Luck, Chuck, I suspect she is either dumb as a jar of dirt or possibly lost a bet. Hell, maybe both.

The biggest reason Good Luck, Chuck is horrifying, and an utter failure is that it was mean-spirited. And we are going to follow that thread below.

1. Dane Cook Is Genuinely Mean-Spirited

I don't mean the above statement in a fun, he's just pulling your chain kind of way. Cook really does not like any of us.

I am not saying that some of Dane Cook's act won't generate a few chuckles, but for the most part I find it truly horrifying in the way he exemplifies others. 

A lot of people pick on Dane Cook. A lot of other comediennes don't like him because he steals their bits. A lot of critics accuse him of just being plain unfunny. 

But it goes deeper than that.

His routine, nearly 100% of the time, focuses on the shortcomings of others. Their body shape, their geekiness, their lack of social skills...you get the picture.

Personally, I would not want a career based solely on pointing out the imperfections in my fellow humans. To have a stage act based on tearing down others...well, that's kind of sad in the long run.

Sure, lots of comics pick on the audience, they make fun of politicians, celebrities, even normal people. But it is done tongue-in-cheek, never a serious hook-shot that makes you want to go home and curl into a fetal ball. 

But this is what Cook specializes in, making you feel inadequate...to the point where you want to crawl under a blanket until the hurt goes away.

This isn't comedy. This is a hateful man.

Cook's act has two focal points: The inability for others to fit into his world...or how cool it is to take advantage of others. There is nothing fun about this. It's just mean-spirited, plain and simple.

This is a man that truly does not like you, and wants to talk about it. 

How is that funny?

Advice....

Try some serious roles for a change of pace, Cook. And leave us mortals in peace.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, in my 

heart, I know I'm funny.