Friday, August 31, 2012

What Car Should You Have
For The Upcoming 
Zombie Apocalypse? 

Time to nut up or shut up!

Yep, the entire country has turned into a zombie shitstorm. 

Zombies have made going outside extremely hazardous to your heath, but you need supplies...and you have decided that staying mobile is a very good idea. 

You've been lucky so far, and we want to keep it that way.

You've learned how to use a gun, and you paid attention to Jesse Eisenberg's rules for survival from Zombieland.

You've learned first aid, to think on your feet, what kind of food will keep the longest, and to stay away from zombie-filled strip clubs.

You aren't dumb. You've made it this far. But maybe you aren't car savvy, and I'm here to help.

You see, some people make terrible choices concerning their ride after the Zombie Apocalypse hits home. 

Shit just got real, and now is not the time for foolishness.

In Shaun of the Dead, Simon Pegg chose a sweet Jaguar XJ-6, probably the least reliable car on the planet. 

Then he makes matters much worse with a '96 Renault.

A crapbox Renault? Really, Simon?

Then the gang from 28 Days Later decides to escape London in a wheezy old taxi cab - that promptly breaks down.

This isn't really the time to be picking a car based on its looks. You need speed and durability. But let's not get nuts about it. Gotta stay grounded.

Now, Rhona Mitra had the right idea in Doomsday. A Bentley Continental GT. 

The Bentley is a solid, well-built car that can get you out of danger in a hurry. Hard to find parts for after the world ends, though. There are some rules in choosing a car to protect you and your loved ones. 

First, it must be reliable and have a big fuel tank. 

Secondly, no soft tops...this goes without saying. Zombies can chew right through that shit.

Thirdly, your car must be easy to find. I would love to have the Terradyne Gurkha from Fast Five after the world ends. 

But where the hell would I find one? 

Your car must be a popular model, something easy to find at an abandoned dealership or at the mall. 

You may be presented with a lot of choices - thousands of cars, in fact - and that is why we need to get you into one that will protect you - and get you to your destination.

We've already talked about the best women to have by your side for when the world goes to hell in a let's talk about the best cars

3. Mercedes S-Class

So, to start our list, we are going to go with a nice, heavy Mercedes. If you live in an urban area, this may just be your best choice.

Any of the larger models will do. They are built like a tank and there are plenty around to chose from. 

Of course, the AMG Hammer would be great, but let's be realistic. You are far more likely to come across a late model four-door that will suit your needs just fine. 

And even better, any year going even back to the 80s will work for you, just look the car over and check the service records if it's an older Mercedes.

The Mercedes S-Class scores well in reliability and speed - plus it has a shit-ton of trunk space for your guns. 

It's off-road capabilities are rather limited, however, so keep that in mind.

2. Cadillac Escalade

Woody Harrelson got this one right. 

An Escalade is an excellent choice. They are based on a truck chassis, most have four-wheel drive, and there are plenty to chose from. 

A Suburban would be a good choice, too, but why not have some creature comforts like really nice leather? Plus, you get a big V-8 and a huge fuel tank.

As an added bonus, there is plenty of room for your gear and zombie-killing tools such as chainsaws and pick-axes. 

Do not steal an Escalade that has a set of DUBs. 


Those wheels are easily damaged and the tires are difficult to find. Just go with a stock Caddie, preferably from the showroom.

3. GMC C5400 TopKick

Hey, if Ironside can't protect you, nothing can. 

The TopKick has a chassis similar to the Terradyne Gurkha we talked about earlier, and can take some serious abuse. 

As an added bonus, the TopKick can tow 16,000 lbs., so if you want to take a trailer along, it will be no problem at all.

It also has huge fuel tanks and four-wheel drive. They are readily available at your local abandoned GM dealership, mainly because nobody in their right mind actually needs one in normal society, and sales were very low. 

This works in your favor now that the country has been overrun by zombies.

There is plenty of room for your supplies and guns, and you will enjoy great visibility, as well.

It may not be a very handsome vehicle, but nobody really cares about that when zombies are chasing your ass. 

You want rock-solid durability, 200-gallon gas tanks, and air-conditioning. 

Remember, when see something like the photo want that shit in your rear-view mirror as you're speeding away.

Good luck and God speed in the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Remember to buckle up.

No comments: