Saturday, August 18, 2012

How To Really Straighten 
Out The U.S. Economy
Saturday Edition

A comprehensive FOI - 'Financial Offenders Initiative', restructures the salary of misbehaving private and federal employees. 

Quite simply, they will no longer be paid in U.S. currency.

Offenders will only be paid their wages in Suggas, Guttenbergs or Vanilla Ice's

First thing first. I have no intention of worrying about Europe and their inclination for financial implosion. 

I really don't care if Greece is dragging down the European economy by nicking everyone's fish and tossing donkeys from the roofs of apartment buildings. 

Great Britain can whine all they want, but they're the ones that keep throwing money at Greece...and Spain as well. Let them deal with their own problems. We've got enough on our plate right here.

So, accordingly, I want to focus on our problems here in America, and I think I've come up with a plan...

Understand, though, the 'Financial Offenders Initiative' solution is based on severe shame. But I think it'll work.

I only want to focus the FOI on two areas: Big Business ....and the government agencies that regulate them.

Ahh, you are saying to yourself. Many people have tried that and failed. This is true. 

But I have an idea. Shoplifters are sometimes ordered by a judge in court to wear a sign describing their crimes outside of the store they robbed as punishment. 

How can we teach stock brokerage firms and the higher-ups in the banking community that their actions are unacceptable, and make them perform their duties for the good of the overall economy rather than just their own wallets?

By the same token, how can we re-educate the employees of agencies such as Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to actually do their jobs and avert crisis in the first place?

Simple. Fuck with their money.

After all, they fucked with ours, right?

African Throwing Knife

Pictured above is an African throwing knife that has one very important characteristic. For the past thousand years or so, this knife has considered a form of currency. You could purchase cattle, other weapons or even pay the dowry on a wife....all with this knife. 

And that gave me an idea....

Why not apply this simple factor to the outrageous corruption taking place in America's financial system? If people are going to do crazy shit that hurts our economy, why not reward them crazy-ass currency as their salary?

Financial Offenders Initiative. Hmmm. We'll call it FOI Money. And that FOI Money has to be some crazy, embarrassing shit. 

Now we're on to something.

Anyone employed in the financial sector that misbehaves and is caught - either private or federal employment - will no longer be paid in standard U.S. currency. Their bank accounts, 401Ks, or life savings will all be converted to 'FOI Money'.

So who gets paid in FOI Money? That's a good question...

I want to make it perfectly clear that FOI Money only applies to certain individuals. 

A good example would be government employees like the douchebags that work at the GSA, the ones that spent our taxpayer dollars on a trip to Vegas. 

Another example would be the Bank of America asshats that decided to tack on extra charges just so we could use our debit cards. 

And somewhere deep in the bowels of Spirit Airlines, an executive disguised fake 'passenger usage fees' as federally mandated - raking in a few million to the company at the expense of unsuspecting customers.

Like I said, these are examples of greedy people with absolutely no common sense, dignity or respect for their fellow man. They fucked with our money. Either by graft, sneakiness, or just plain waste.

GSA's Martha Johnson would 
definitely be paid in FOI Money

These are the people that will only receive paychecks from their job in the form of FOI Money. FOI Money will have value, though. 

A Fannie Mae exec, for example, will still be able to feed his family and pay his mortgage using FOI Money. It's just going to be extremely embarrassing for him. 

And that's the whole point.

Lloyd Blankfein, as head of Goldman Sachs, has accomplished two things:

One, he has helped drive the American economy right into the ground by creating fraudulent sub-prime mortgages. 

Two, he got paid 54 million dollars to do it.


A week's pay for Blankfein will no longer be - let's say - $10,000. Nope. 

Lloyd Blankfein's actions have led him to be paid in FOI Money. Now, the Federal Reserve has absolute power, but still, we gotta make this way crazier than just a friggin' African throwing knife. 

Let's go all out.

A week's earnings for Blankfein are now equal to one Volvo Sugga, as an example. A Sugga is now officially the highest form of FOI currency. This is going to be fun.

As you can see, a Sugga will not fit in your pocket. A Sugga is difficult to use as currency. People will notice when Blankfein pays his bills in Sugga. 

People will also know, as a result, that Blankfein fucked with their money.

Volvo Sugga

1 Volvo Sugga equals:

370 Steve Guttenberg concrete statues or - 

1,235 Vanilla Ice cardboard cut-outs. 

With me so far?

Lloyd Blankfein, under my plan, can get change for a Sugga only in 10 lb. concrete busts of Steve Guttenberg, or smaller denominations of life-size Vanilla Ice promotional cut-outs.

The Gute!

If Blankfein wants to make his house payment at the local Chase Bank branch, he'll have to pay 1 Volvo Sugga, 3 Guttenbergs and 21 Vanilla Ice's.

And Blankfein won't have a friggin' choice. Executives that misbehave - whether in the private or government sector - will no longer have access to any form of currency except for FOI Money. 

Blankfein fucked with our money. It's time to fuck back. FOI Money, as you can imagine, will be difficult and embarrassing to use. 

What was that? Blankfein's wife wants a new dress? Okay....

That will be 33 Guttenbergs and a Vanilla Ice, please. Have a nice day.

His cute daughter wants an sugary treat? That'll be 37 Vanilla Ice's, please and thank you.

A week's worth of groceries at the Piggly-Wiggly? That'll be 1 Sugga - park it around back, Mr. Blankfein.

Are you starting to get the picture?

FOI Money will be used as a punishment and as a carrot-stick. Did you waste taxpayer's money? Then you will be paid in FOI Money until your performance improves.

Did you rip off consumers, take bail-out funds or cause a banking system to collapse? You will only be able to earn FOI Money until deemed otherwise.

Really, GM? You sure you don't need a bigger building?

I don't think anyone will be very happy about the inconvenience or mortification involved with trying to survive in the modern world by having to pay their bills in FOI Money. 

And I don't give a shit.

So, the next time you're at the utilities office, and a well-dressed woman is trying to pay her electric bill using 23 concrete Steve Guttenberg busts....well, you know what's going on. 

She fucked with your money.

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