What Exactly Does
God Have Against France?
Sometimes, injecting a little
humor into your novel
is a very good thing....
"I don't have anything
against France. I adore
France. It's the
French that ruin it."
Occasionally, I like to make conversations between characters funny or interesting, and in the case of my first novel - which is written mostly first person God - I had a unique opportunity for other characters to ask Him questions.
An example pulled from She is My anger:
“Can I try one of Your cigars?”
She caught Me by surprise. I handed Andrea a Montecristo Cuban and lit it for her with a wooden match. She puffed a few times, then coughed up a lung.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes, fine” Andrea said, eyes watering. “So smooth, don’t know why I didn’t try this years ago.”
“Sweetheart, I know you’re dying for a post-meal cigarette. Go ahead, don’t worry what I think.”
Andrea dove into her purse and fired up a Marlboro, sitting back and sighing in pleasure.
“You know, smoking really isn’t good for your health.” I said, then received a modified snort from her – sort of a sniffle with attitude.
“You know what?” Andrea replied. “That’s news to me. I’ve never heard that before. Actually, my doctor told me I needed more tar in my diet.”
“Tell me something, Father, before we go on. Do You ever make mistakes?”
I nodded uncomfortably. “Well, sure…there is France after all. But they generally go straight to Hell anyway.”
“Umm, You mean certain French people do bad things and go to Hell?”
“No, I mean all of them.”
Andrea’s eyebrows shot up. “All of them! Why?”
“They came up with the metric system, email spam and Ellen DeGeneres. Shall I go on?”
And the conversation continues....
"Hey, want to tell me about any more mistakes that You’ve made?”
“This seems to be a subject you enjoy.” I sighed. “Besides Justin Bieber? Or any movie released by Miley Cyrus? Well, I suppose one of My biggest bungles of the past 350 years is the invention of the lawyer. Wow, wish I could go back in time on that one.”
She laughed that wicked, wanton laugh of hers. “Saddam Hussein, Vladimir Lenin and Maximilien Robespierre were all lawyers.”
“My point exactly.”
Andrea slapped the steering wheel, grumbling laughter and flicking ash into the slipstream.
“I have another question. Remember that Jonestown fiasco? What’s the weirdest religion You’ve ever seen?”
“Oh, that’s an easy one.” I said. “Way, way back, about 600 years before My Son was born, there was a nutjob named Pythagoras of Samos. Pythagoras, who was a Greek philosopher and mathematician, started a multiple century religion in Croton in which his followers could not touch beans.”
“Couldn’t touch beans? That’s a strange metaphor.”
“It’s not a metaphor. Worshipers couldn’t touch beans. Kidney, pinto, lima, black. Touching them was a sin. Baked beans are unclear.”
“Come on!” Andrea punched My arm. “You’re making this crap up.”
And a little later on....
"Can I ask You something?”
“Well…what - what exactly are You?”
That was a difficult question to answer. “Umm, the truth is....I don’t really know, Andrea.”
“But You’re God in Heaven. Jehovah - the Lord Almighty. The Alpha and Omega. What in the hell do You mean, You don’t know?”
“Those are just names assigned by man. Allah, Zeus, Ahuramazda, Aten,” I said. “My older friends call Me Yahweh....which I prefer - but cosmologists have a term describing Me that’s actually quite accurate.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
“CMBR - or Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation.”
“Robert Wilson and Arno Penzias first discovered Me back in 1965 using a radio telescope in New Jersey. They were trying to take a snapshot of energy distribution shortly after the Big Bang but didn’t understand what they were seeing.”
Andrea shook her head. “Big Bang? You mean from the TV show?”
“No, not from the show…although Jim Parsons carries that program. The real Big Bang. Try to imagine this universe and a hundred million more just like it compressed into a form the size of a marble.”
“Okay, with You so far.”
I tapped the table. “Now imagine instantaneously releasing all of that energy. Back then - at the Beginning of Time - things were rather confusing for Me. Who was I? Why was I? I was born a billionth of a second after the initial explosion. I remember the temperatures soared to a trillion degrees, a 150,000 times hotter than the sun. I recall thinking - that’s odd. How did I know that? Two billionths of a second after the Big Bang, while quarks and gluons still roamed free, I grew fully conscious. All of the universe’s quarks combined into triplets, held together by gluons and formed the first protons and neutrons. The very first building blocks of atoms.”
I smiled. “I suppose I’m the universe in its conscious form.”
“Ah, that certainly clears things up.”
“Hey, it isn’t easy for Me, either. You humans have only been around since bipeds starting messing about with tools over in Africa 70,000 years ago. I’m still trying to figure you guys out.”
Andrea laughed. “What have we done that really pleases You?”
“The Volkswagen Beetle and Tab. I like Tab a lot.”
“Wonderful, God in Heaven likes a car built for Hitler and a soft drink that’s been off the market for thirty years.”
I shrugged. “I can be a little complicated.”
What would you ask God in Andrea's position?