Wednesday, May 16, 2012

New Interview! 
Q @ A with Joy Osmanski

Restoration World Review #4

A few questions for our 
'Joy Osmanski Factor' star

As you know, Joy Osmanski is the new standard for rating potential project car restorations here at Restoration World Review. 

She's very funny and extremely famous. An Academy-award winning actress and former NASA engineer, Joy has had a full life. 

She worked for Saab Aerospace, designing their Mach 2 jet, the Draken. She built the Space Shuttle and engineered the CIA's Corona Keyhole spy satellite. 

She is the author of over 30 books, including the recent bestseller, How To Operate A Scud Missile Launcher For Fun And Profit.

So the question is - would Joy go for a ride in your restored beater? Is the car cool enough?

So, I thought it would be a good idea to get to know her better, and I had some questions for Joy, which I thought would go well. didn't.

Q@A with Joy Osmanski

Q: So, what kind of car do you like?

Joy: I like all kinds. I think my favorite is a 1971 Beetle, though.

Q: You're kidding, right?

Joy: Not at all. They are so cool. And the Beetle doesn’t sound half bad…kind of like a nuclear-powered pepper grinder. Plus, it has window winders, which is unique. I’m used to a simple button, so winders must be new technology. At first, I was like, 'I’ve seen better equipped caves', but then you think - wow, you get a radio and a dial! That’s awesome. And the ride is so smooth, kind of like falling down a flight of stairs.

Q: Err...let's move on. What kind of guy can you see yourself dating?

Joy: Well, I plan to marry Ryan Reynolds and have some sex…Lots of sex. Know what I mean? Intercourse, parking the plunger, vacuuming the volcano, bumping uglies, riding the pink twizzler - 

Q: That’s icky!

Joy: Uh-huh, uh-huh…I want to see Ryan Reynolds’ frank and beans, like right now. Have you ever seen a gentleman sausage?

Q: Phrasing, please - or I’m going to throw up.

Joy: The willis and the doodleberries? Sakman and Throbbin? I want Ryan’s male genitalia to meet my female genitalia. Hello, genitalia!

Q: Bleck. I get the picture.

Joy (cackling): Gonna need that mountaineering gear, buddy. I’m climbing to the top of Reynolds Summit in the morning! Of course, Ryan has to cut that hair, though. His hair is just gross. He’s not gross….but that hair? Gross. If there are two or three or four or five things I can’t stand it’s hair like that. I like ‘em preppy, don’t get me wrong. A nice tapered cut in the back, yeah baby. I was watching Celebrity Apprentice and I noticed Donald Jr. has a terrible cut, right in the back - like father like son, right? Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. I mean, cut that crap, why don’t you? Ryan, too…all squirrely and such. Just get a decent haircut, that’s all I ask.

Q: you have any turn-offs?

Joy: Oh, for sure! I really enjoy watching guys - but they can be real wiener-lickers, you know? Like guys that spit? Eww. Just…ick! Really? You have to spit in public? Where I walk? You’re going to make me walk in your bodily fluids? Come on, you douche canoe! I mean, really. When was spitting ever cool? Never, that’s when. Not even in middle school, you jerk-offs. And guys with visible belt loops and no belt? Not cool, dude. If I can see loops, there better damn well be a belt there…and not one of those lame braided ones from 1993, either.

Q: I forgot what I was going to ask.

JoyAnd when has it ever been appropriate to wear Crocs…with anything? Especially with shorts and socks, Mr. I-Have-Given-Up-On-Life? Or a dude in a tracksuit? What? Are you in the Russian mob? Come on! Or any guy over the age of twelve with a T-shirt advertising the WWE Raw or Tap Out? Grow up already! And any guy that chugs energy drinks, lathered in Axe body spray? Ugh! Oh, and also guys with earrings. It’s 2012, dumbass. You are not a rapper, you are not in the X-Games... put that shit away. 

Q: Umm...

Joy: And guys in the passenger seat of a car with their bare feet on the dash, listening to a Smash Mouth song full blast? Ick! Just ick! Makes me throw up in the back of my mouth just thinking about it. For one thing, Smash Mouth has been genetically engineered to get stuck in your head like some incurable mind-AIDS. And bare feet? On the dash? That is just so nasty! And another thing...

Joy went on for a while longer, but my head had started to I turned off the recorder and took some Tylenol.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all....

What car would you like to 
fix up the most?

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